Hello Bay Community,
In the life of a teenager, developmentally there are not a lot of things that rank higher in terms of importance above friendships and peer relationships. (insert chuckles around video games and social media here ;). Because they are so emotionally invested in friendships is why there are bound to be strong feelings when a teen feels a rift in friendships, “drama”, feeling boxed out or isolated, or really anything that challenges the equilibrium of a friendship dynamic (or lack thereof).
It can be difficult as a parent to watch this, watch big emotions, pain, confusion, etc. in a teen and feel helpless or not quite know how to help. This of course becomes even more frustrating when you try to help, but might be brutally rebuffed. I really love Blake Revelle, a school principal in Kansas’ analogy for navigating teen social conflicts in an article by Dr. Lisa Damour: “our job as parents and educators is to set up some bumpers on the bowling alley, not to dictate the exact way the ball goes down the lane.”
A good rule of thumb before jumping in with an idea about what to do is to stop and ask the teenager first if they want to give this time and energy. Giving the option to “pick their battles” so to speak is a powerful message in communicating that everything does not have to feel like the end of the world, and they have the power to engage or not. In a larger sense, this also gives them permission to reevaluate certain friendships or dynamics. If they feel they cannot ignore it, or want to handle it in a constructive way, good for them! At that point, a great question to ask would be “do you want to kind of vent right now, which is totally fine, or would you like to talk about potential solutions?” Sometimes teens really just want to bounce ideas off of you (the bumpers in the bowling alley) to be able to process and see how they might proceed. All conflict is not bad - they are learning life lessons about healthy relationships, boundaries, self-love, etc. and it’s our job to empower them to figure it out along the way.
After giving them this space and options, I also recommend asking curiosity questions to help them discover what THEY would do and why, not what we think they should do. (See examples below). After a lot of time here, I also like to ask teens “in the privacy of this conversation, with no one else hearing us, is there anything you think that you, personally would like to have done differently?” It’s okay if the answer is a resounding “NO! It’s her fault!”. But this question elicits a conversation around the importance of self-reflection and allows them to practice. Oftentimes after this happens, a teen is less rigidly married to their original point of view, and is at least a bit more willing to look at it from different angles, which helps in the “what do I do” process.
Supporting and gently guiding them towards what they think and want, as opposed to fixing it for them, is a great way to help and also teach them skills for conflicts. And remember to validate (“this must be so hard for you..” etc.) along the way.
Take care of yourselves and each other,
Suzanne, Christina and Tessa, Bay School Counseling Team
M I N D
Curiosity Question Examples to Ask When Teens are in Social Conflict
What would it feel like for you if you did X vs. Y?
How could you communicate your feelings in a way that you are proud of?
On a scale of 1 -10, how strongly are you feeling about ___________?
Do you think right behind the anger is some sadness? Does that change how you would proceed?
If your best friend or another close friend was in this exact same situation, what advice would you give them?
Do you think this is something that will pass?
What is the most hurtful part about this for you?
I think communicating your feelings with them is a great idea. Would it be possible for you to use “I” statements, to focus on how this is affecting you?
Have you slept on this for a night?
What would be your ultimate goal?
Conflicts can be so challenging. Is this the first time something like this has happened?
I hear your goal of making more friends. What do you think is a good place to start, for you?
What is the number one thing you would like them to understand?
B O D Y
(Spoiler alert - queue mindfulness)
S O U L
